8. The Public Speaking Secret Nobody Tells You

Ever felt like your brain is working against you the moment you step up to speak?

I am literally recording this from the car on the way home from a networking event where I've just delivered a talk. And yes, my heart was pounding, my hands were jittery, and that wanky voice in my head was having an absolute field day.

Because here's the thing, I teach this stuff, and I still get nervous. And for a long time I thought that meant something was wrong with me. It doesn't. And in this episode I'm going to tell you exactly why.

I'm talking about why public speaking scares the living daylights out of most people, why your brain is literally wired to keep you small and quiet, and the exact technique I used today mid talk, to shut that inner critic up and get into my flow.

Because true confidence isn't about never feeling scared. It's about knowing what to do when that voice pipes up and tells you you're not good enough.

If you've ever stood up to speak and felt like your brain was working against you, this one's for you.

And if you want to start tackling those wanky thoughts for good, come and find out more about the Wanky Thoughts Club. I'd love to have you in there.

Email me at helen@helenwalkercoaching.com for more details. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Ah, welcome to another episode of the Wanky Thoughts podcast. How the devil are you? I have just literally I'm in the car, I've literally just been to a networking event, and I was one of the guest speakers at this networking event, and I've just delivered um my presentation, me talk, whatever you want to call it, on wanky thoughts and what wanky thoughts are and how to spot them and how to get rid of them. So I thought, do you know what? This is a perfect opportunity to record a podcast on what to do when those wanky thoughts appear when you are public speaking. Because let's face it, public speaking is one of the but is it the number one fear? I'm not sure, but it's right up there. The fear of um you know talking in front of people you know, strangers, for a lot of people, that is terrifying. People would rather jump out of planes, parachute, do bungee jumps, um, do anything apart from speak in public. Now I get this because not that long ago I would not have been putting myself up for anything public speaking-wise. Because the the fear of getting it wrong or not feeling like an expert or you know, all of these wanky things that we tell ourselves where you know we don't know enough, and who's gonna listen to us, and am I boring? And for a long time, just because of a comment somebody made, um, I used to think I was too much and too loud, too in your face, too northern, too everything. So a lot of those wanky thoughts would stop me from repeat what you just said, please. Oh my gosh, I'm in the car.

SPEAKER_01 2:05

Oh my gosh, it's according to ChatGPT. Hey, no worries. I'm here to help you with anything you need while you're in the car. Just let me know what you'd like to do. Navigate somewhere, play some music, or maybe find a place nearby.

SPEAKER_00 2:22

I'd like you to be quiet, please. Right, how do you turn her off? Where's she come from? Oh god.

SPEAKER_01 2:31

You will no longer hear any sound signals for proactive suggestions.

SPEAKER_00 2:35

Thanks. What were I talking about? Um wanky thoughts. Um oh yeah, wanky thoughts that stop people from public speaking. No, I would have bought into those wanky thoughts, and well I did for a long time, and I'm gonna have to turn the car seats come on and it's boiling. Um, those wanky thoughts would have stopped me, and people used to ask me to speak, um, and I'd say I'd make up some excuse. So I've just done this presentation about wanky thoughts, mindset, limiting beliefs. Now, I have this wanky thought, which is totally unrealistic, that I shouldn't have wanky thoughts because I teach this stuff. Now, of course, when I think when I turn on my logic brain, my executive centre, my prefrontal cortex, when I switch that part of my brain on, of course, I go, Well, that's uh that's unrealistic, that's ridiculous, that's not what um that's not how we're wired. Like everybody is gonna have these wanky thoughts because it's part of your survival system, and it's really important to remember this because this really helps massively with managing these wanky thoughts of the goal is not to get rid of them, like that is a futile exercise, you're never gonna get rid of them because it is part of your wiring, it is part of your survival system. So I've just done this talk now, and was I was I nervous? Yes, did I have butterflies? Yes, was my heart pounding, yes. Did I feel a bit jittery? Yes, because I haven't done many of these, you know, I've done a handful of talks, so that survival system inside me still feels threatened by speaking in public, because the idea of raising your hand or being visible or putting your head above the parapet, we are not designed as humans to do that. What we're designed is to hide away and keep small because when time began, if you went around making loads of noise and waving your arms about, a lion would come and eat you, a wilder beast would come and get you. So we're not designed to stick out, we're designed to fit in, stay small, and be quiet. So the idea of going and speaking in public goes against every part of our wiring, every part of our survival system. So the idea that we can get rid of it entirely is not something we need to chase. Because what will happen eventually is the more that I do public speaking and the better I get at this, because remember, like most things, public speaking is just a skill, right? And the more you do it, the better you get. Yes, you can do public speaking courses, I've done a couple, and I've learned loads of stuff that I put into my talks, but the only way that I'm gonna get better at it and nail it, so to speak, is by going and doing the reps. This is mental fitness, right? It's just like the gym. You don't walk into the gym on day one and be like, Oh my god, I've got a six-pack, I've just lifted a few weights, I've got a six-pack. I wish that is what happened. But you go and you go week in, week out, and you're consistent, you start lifting heavier weights, and your technique improves, and all of a sudden, you know, after a few months, you go, Oh god, I feel a bit stronger, and then give it 12 months, you're like, Wow, I've got a six-pack. Mine is yield still yet to appear. Um, but that's what happens, and that's what happens with developing your confidence and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. The more you do the thing you're scared of, the better you get. Because what is happening is remember your brain is just a muscle and you're just working it out. So the more times you do public speaking or videos or sending a proposal or whatever it is that scares you, it teaches. Imagine you've got this supercomputer in your head, it teaches or puts a new program in that supercomputer that actually, when we um speak in public or when we do the video, or whatever it is we're scared of, nothing bad happens. Because remember, your brain has got this idea or this program in that if we wave our arms about, we will literally die, we will be eaten by some animal. Now, of course, that doesn't happen anymore. Animals don't come and just eat us at networking events, but your mind still has that same fear because it wants to protect you from physical harm, getting eaten, but also it wants to protect you from emotional harm. So it doesn't want you looking like a tit, it doesn't want you embarrassing yourself, it doesn't want you forgetting your words, it doesn't want you to feel bad. So we can thank the system, we can thank the computer system of going, you know what's really nice of you. However, you are hindering me a little bit because I want to get better at this skill, I want to get better at public speaking, videos, whatever it is. So we have to learn how to manage that voice because otherwise the system manages us, because that part of your brain, this this you know, uh this supercomputer, unfortunately is 20 times stronger than you, the logical brain. People talk about this pre-front frontal cortex, this executive centre, this way you think rather than just respond emotionally. That part of your brain, unfortunately, is really the last bit of the brain to be switched on. But this supercomputer is always running and it's 20 times stronger than you. So it will always win, unfortunately. So unless we do something about what's in this supercomputer, i.e., find the wanky beliefs, the wanky thoughts, and we we can do two things with these thoughts. So some we can get rid of entirely, completely get rid of them. So I used to think that I was a really crap driver, and uh you know, it was in my 20s, it took me ages to pass my driving test. Five attempts it took me. I know it's embarrassing. Five attempts, so I had this belief that well, obviously I must be a crap driver because you know my best mate passed first time. She had 17 lessons past first time, I had about 48 lessons past fifth time. So I had this belief that well, I'm just a crap driver. So people used to ask me for lifts. I'm like, oh god, Jesus Christ, no. And I used to make all the excuses in the world not to give them a lift, and then I was like, Oh, this is ridiculous, you know. I'm gonna have to start giving my mates lifts. So over time, that belief system that I'm a crap driver went because I did the thing I was scared of, I gave my friends lifts, and then the computer caught up and it went, Oh, right, well, you keep giving lifts and you don't crash, you don't look an idiot, yeah, you don't die, you don't get embarrassed. Um, let's just keep giving people lifts. So that belief has gone. Like, I couldn't care less, I'll give anybody a lift now. Um, but then some beliefs are hardwired in there, right? And you could spend a lifetime trying to get rid of them, but they're just so hardwired in there that they're almost impossible to get rid of. So my big hardwired wanky belief is that I am not as good as everybody else. There was an incident that happened that I've spoken about in this podcast before at school with the um extra mass homework where um I was called out for basically being crap at mass, and it put this belief in my supercomputer that well, I'm not as good as everybody else because no one else was getting the extra mass homework, it was just me. Therefore, I'm the dunce, I'm the idiot, I'm the loser, and this triggered a lifetime of overworking, being a perfectionist, a pupil pleaser, first one in the office, last to leave, undercharging, over delivering, all because of this belief. So I could spend a lifetime trying to get rid of it, but it's so ingrained in there, it's so stamped in, it's like concrete. You know, I could chip away at this concrete and you know, use all this energy trying to get rid of it, or I could go, well, alright, it's in there, I know it's in there. Let me be aware of it. So every time I do something new, went to speak at this event, I do a launch, I do a video, um, I do something new, I launch a new offer or whatever, I'm in a new situation, meet new people. That belief, that old belief, this faulty wiring, will pop up. My supercomputer will go, Oh Helen, do you realise you're an idiot? Do you realise that you're not as good as everybody else? Now, some beliefs we can get rid of, i.e., the car and giving a lift, that's gone. Beliefs that are hardwired in there, we have to learn to manage and almost live with. So I know now that I fully expected I was gonna stand up in front of all those people, deliver my talk. The first five minutes I was jittery. It's always the way, I haven't done enough yet. I haven't done enough to silence that voice. So I expect it. I expect, oh, here it is, you know, and I and I talk to that voice, here yeah. I see you, I see you rise in your head again, that belief that I'm not as good as everybody else. So for the first few minutes, there was, oh god, is this gonna be any good? And will I forget my words? And so I didn't have any notes. I just always speak from the heart and I just tell my story. And I figure I can't get it wrong because it's my story. Like, how on earth can I get it wrong? What do I need notes for? So I was like, no, I'll be alright. Um, but that voice, oh no one's listening, and there's a couple of people like typing on the phone. Now I don't know whether we're going, oh my god, I'm an event and this woman's talking and what a boring shit she is. Or because that's what Miss Wanky thought told me, she's not interested and she's saying something else. Uh, she could have been talking to her husband about a son, or you know, something mega important that's way more important than my talk, or she could have been taking notes. But my wanky thoughts were, yeah, but you're not as good as everybody else, so she's not listening. Now, because I know that I have this old programming, I expect this to happen. Now, when you expect it to happen, this is not, you know, we don't always have to think positively, or it's not being a negative nora, it's just going, well, it's it's I'm being realistic, it's gonna happen. I know it happens. The more I do this, the less it will happen. But right now, I'm in this season of this voice pipes up when I do this thing, so I'm gonna expect it. Now, this is the thing, this is the key thing. Just because we have a thought does not make it bloody true. Just because we have a thought does not mean that we have to listen to the bloody thing. So we can, and this takes practice, right? So I'm sat here going, we just need to do this. This takes practice, right? And this is exactly what I help my clients to do in the wanky thoughts club. Is go, okay. Well, I'm gonna expect this voice. I know what it is, I know it's out of date wiring, but almost sit alongside it. Now I imagine that wanky voice, it's it's almost got its own persona. And imagine, I mean I'm in the car now, right? Put it in the passenger seat. So imagine, give it a body, give it a face, get and don't go because I always say to my clients, give that voice a name, and they'll always go like bitch Barbara or you know, uh Upper can't think of any name, but upset Barbara, or they'll give it a horrible name, you know, like wanky Norris or something. And I always say, don't give that voice a horrible name because remember, it's just trying to protect you. Remember its job, it's part of your survival system. Remember, its job is to keep you away from death, keep you reproducing, and keep you away from any emotional harm. That is what it's doing, so it's doing its job perfectly. However, think of this person as your best friend, but they're just a little bit inept and they get a lot of stuff wrong because they are working off a computer, a super computer that is running out-of-date beliefs, it's running a computer system that is a little bit broken, that's full of guff, that's full of lies about you, but it's doing its job. Remember, your friend, it can't really think for itself, just looks in this computer and goes, Yeah, I know, but there's this belief that if you do a talk and you do public speaking, then you're not as good as everybody else, and you are gonna look at it. So you have to go, right, get in the passenger seat. I am the one driving, and I literally have this conversation with this voice. So rather than go, oh god, I've got this thought, therefore, it must be true, it must be me. I detach from the thought. So I go, you get in the passenger seat and we'll have a chat. And sometimes I physically do this while driving. I have this chat and I I verbalize it. And really, what you're doing, if we look at this like if we get all geeky because I geek out massively on this neuroscience, what we are doing is basically when you are in call it like a hijack moment, when self-doubt or self you're being self-critical, or um, you know, you're being hard on yourself. Basically, what is happening is all of the blood supply has gone to your survival system. If you imagine your brain, right? It's gone to the survival system, so it's about you know, um, I can never say this flight, fight of freeze, flight. I don't know why I find it so hard. When you go into survival mode, you know what I'm trying to say, all of the blood supply is there. Now, when you start talking to yourself, when you start talking to your best mate in the passenger seat, what's happening neuroscientifically is the blood supply is going to your prefrontal cortex, this executive centre, this part of your brain that allows you to think rationally. So when we're having a hijack moment and we're doubting ourselves, what most of us do, and what I used to do, is we start listening to it and we start arguing with it and we start trying to rationalise with it and we have this conversation with them. Oh god, and before we know it, we've catastrophized and we're in this awful place, and we are so hard on ourselves, and we believe the story it's telling it it's telling us. Now remember, it's only doing its job, it's just trying to protect you because the belief system is you're a knob, no one likes you, uh you're not as good as everybody else, you're a bit thick. This is my um belief system that's in this supercomputer, unfortunately. And it's just trying to go, it's trying to shake you and go, Oh my god, are you sure? Are you sure you want to do this this thing? So the alarm bell's then got to go off and go, hang on, talking guff again. But bless him or her is using out-of-date information in that computer system. So I'm not gonna hold it against them, and uh I'm gonna be nice to them. So you go, right, you get in the passenger seat, get your seatbelt on, right? Let's have a chat. And this is when I then give that voice some perspective and a bit of rationale and a bit of a talking to, and we go, come on, let's have some own truths, right? Is it true that what and you're that voice will be telling you all of this stuff? So my voice is saying no one's gonna like you and you're rubbish and you don't know anything. You go, right, is it true that you don't know anything? Is it true that we are gonna talk absolute rubbish? Well, not really, because remember that other talk you did that everyone said, Oh my god, you were amazing, and all these people came up to you and all these people started following you on Instagram. Um, is it true that you are as thick as two short planks? Well, no, not really, because think of all them clients that I've helped. Think of that thing I did the other day. I've brought up two kids and I'm doing a really good job. And you start having this conversation with this voice, and then this allows the blood supply to go to this prefrontal cortex, this executive centre, and then you start going, well, then you start thinking logically, you're like, actually, I was just thinking, I was just emotional, and I was just getting a bit caught up in the moment. So I'm having a menopause moment now because I've forgot where I was going with this. Um, so this is what we need to do when we are faced with any situation, and this is exactly what I did when I stood up and I was like, Oh, I feel a bit jittery, and it feels like oh, this is what it felt like for me anyway. It feels like this cloud is coming over you, and you're like, Oh my god, I can't forget what I was saying and stuff. Now I just use humour, and I always blame the menopause. Um, it's got to have some uses. So if I ever forget my words talking, which I did today, I go, hang on a minute, I'm having a menopausal moment. What was I talking about? And even just that, by saying that, what it does is it stops all the blood supply going to my survival system, and it sends a little bit to this prefrontal cortex, um, this executive centre, so that it just gives me enough time for me to go, hang on, breathe. We don't need to get caught up in this story. What's happening is the story is clouding my thoughts, it's making me think I don't know. I'm just going, right, what's the next bit? And giving yourself some home truth of does it matter if this goes tits up? Does it matter if this is the worst talk of my life? Because I once did a talk and oh god, it were awful. I can't even I can't even dress it up. It was awful. I died on stage. I can't even tell you what I said because this this voice had taken over. Um, I wasn't in a great place to start with. Um, I'd not done the warm, I'd not done all the stuff I needed to do. It were awful. It I literally ran out of that place. Er why am I telling you that? Again, I'm having a menopause all moment. I can't remember why I told you that. Um I don't I don't know, I don't know. We've just got to go with it. Oh, that was it. I was blaming the menopause, wasn't I? Um you will have times when it doesn't go right. So you have to say you have to have this chat again with this voice. You put them in the passenger seat and you go, Well, does it matter? You know, what is important to me? Well, for me, it's my kids, it's my health, it's my family, um, you know, it's my happiness. Will that crappy talk, even how bad it was, will it affect my health? Will it affect my kids? Will it affect my family? Is it gonna really have that much impact on my life? And you go, not really. So you have to have this chat with it and give it some perspective, and eventually, after about five minutes, it goes, actually, I'm bored of going on about that thing. This is the good thing about these voices in your head, they get bored really quickly. So if you allow it to rant, you're like, Oh my god, it's we're gonna die, and oh my god, you'll be crap, and what we go, okay, come on, carry on. And then eventually it goes, Oh, actually, I'm bored of this. So sometimes just allowing it to chat and you verbalising, well, like this is gonna happen and this is gonna happen. Eventually, the blood supply goes to this executive centre, and you go, actually, this is a right load of crap. What am I even worrying about this for? So, that is exactly what I did today. So, by I don't know, 10 minutes in, I was like, I'm loving this, I'm absolutely loving it, and nothing can touch you then. So, yes, somebody yawned. Um, there was one woman who didn't look my way. Um, you know, other people that I thought they've obviously just got like a resting bitch face. I have, um I always look bored to death, you know, and I always make a real effort to be like smiling at people because I know what a resting bitch face I've got. Um so rather than that voice in my head going, Oh god, she's not listening, she hates you, it's you the voice goes, Well, she's got a resting bitch face like you have. Like, don't buy into it, and then you get into your flow. And then I was like, Do you know what? I don't care if nobody in this room doesn't like my talk. No, of course I do, I want them to enjoy it, but nothing can touch you then because you know that even if this is the worst talk of my life, nothing bad's gonna happen because you have the tools and strategies to manage what's in that supercomputer, you have the tools and strategies to manage that voice. So, yeah, none of these things are foolproof, you know, it's not gonna make your life perfect, it's not gonna make everything in your life rosy and never go wrong because that's not life, but it's just gonna make everything so much easier. Because I was talking to a woman at the event today, and she says, The thing is, everybody I meet says, You're so confident, and she said, I walk into a room and I know I look confident. She says, But inside I'm dying, and inside I'm so nervous. And for me, true, true confidence, and I say this with a level of confidence because I used to be that woman, I'd be the first on the dance floor, I'd be the last to leave, I'd be the loudest, I'd be the one, you know, doing stuff that other people were too scared of. But it was all bravado, it was all a front, and a lot of it was fuelled by vodka. You know, I'll get smashed so that I've got the confidence, and everyone's like, oh my god, nothing bothers Helen. But inside, it just feels so hard. And for me, true, true confidence is appearing confident but feeling confident, it's that stuff people can't see because life is short, life is hard enough without our inner thoughts and our inner dialogue making us feel crap, making us feel less confident. So imagine how much easier life would be if what you display externally you actually felt internally, and this is what happens when you start to learn how to manage those wanky thoughts because unfortunately they are not going anywhere. I said this to people today, and some I hate being the bearer of bad news, but whatever it is you're struggling with sales, visibility, public speaking, going on podcasts, pitching yourself, selling your business, whatever it is that you're struggling with, unfortunately, there are no courses on this planet that will magically give you the knowledge so that you can do all of this stuff. You have to tackle those wanky beliefs. And I'd say this from experience because I tried every course going and do a funnel and do your website and do your marketing and create videos. None of it changes how you feel inside, none of it changes what's in that computer. That's the work you have to do and remove those wanky thoughts. So I hope you found that useful. I'm gonna drive home now and uh do you know what? The kids are not gonna finish for a little while. I might even just put my feet up and watch I'm a celebrity. So I will see you next week. Have fun, guys.